Afterthoughts

On February 6, 2025, I joined a Zoom event offered through Trinity Alumni, University of Toronto. It was titled, “Church Outside the Walls: Past, Present and Future.” Archbishop Anne Germond, Archbishop Linda Nicholls, and Bishop Victoria Matthews formed a panel of speakers. Each reflected on the church outside the walls through the lens of church leadership.

Although I participated to boost my education hours as a deacon, the content of the hour provided me, as a leader within the church, with pearls for thought and prayer. The following are some of my learnings.

At the very start of the program, one of the panel members mentioned that in scripture, the walls of a church are protective. Her comment did not land in the panel as a discussion point, yet it did land within me. I don’t know that I ever looked at the church through the lens of it being a place of protection. I am a Christian who experiences a sense of protection within the context of my relationship with God. I generally feel more comfortable outside of the walls of the church. Her simple comment opened a new area of exploration for me.

Throughout the program, I found the humility of each of the panelists very moving. In their distinct way, each expressed their leadership roles, remembering they are (as am I) a child in the Christian faith. I understood these women to be leaders who were willing to be led not only in word but in action and change. I feel this was a true gift given.

In my professional life, I was a spiritual care provider in a medium-sized teaching hospital. There, I learned about God at the feet of my patients. Church walls did not really exist, or they were porous.

Many years ago, I visited a patient who was nearing the end of their life. Aware of the sacredness of life and death, we were able to create a safe space for authentic conversation. The patient may have been as surprised as I was as they shared their beliefs and values so deeply and openly. Their ethnicity, faith, and experience of life were very different from my own. Whatever walls may have been present tumbled down, and I learned that as much as my faith and beliefs are important to me, that’s how important another’s are to them. Early the next morning, the patient died. While our conversation may have helped the patient to die, it has helped me to live. Live more freely.

I remembered this visit as I reflected and prayed about something else I noticed during the Zoom discussion. I was struck by the passion each panel member felt towards the church. Through examples and stories, they demonstrated their strong passion as well as the cost of such passion in some circumstances.

It was so evident to me, and it became like a mirror. When I looked, I did not see myself, as I do not feel passion toward the church. I feel tenderness. I wondered if it mattered and decided to incorporate this information into my prayers while also making a note to reach out to my spiritual director.

Weeks later, I shared some of my afterthoughts with her. We talked about the walls of the church as protection and what that might look like if we looked at the church through that lens. We talked about the tension of how the strength of my relationship with God, yet discomfort with the church, led me to a vocation primarily expressed outside of church walls. Whereas as a spiritual care provider, I felt passion every day (almost), and at times I felt the weight of passion too.

I told my spiritual director that I felt tenderness towards the church. Not passion. Through her long arc of knowing me, she did not judge, only affirmed and understood. And then, in her subtle yet bold way, she asserted my freedom.

Through our fulsome conversation, an idea formed. An idea to create an opportunity for parishioners to gather after church to share how that Sunday’s liturgy impacted them, whether it be through the music, readings, homily, prayers, or Eucharist. As we brainstormed, the purpose of the gathering came together: to support awareness of our spiritual lives and continued growth by sharing personal reflections and listening to the reflections of others.

I met with my parish priest, who fully supported this idea, and after a few more weeks, we met with my spiritual director to formulate a framework. We decided the name of this new gathering would be “Afterthoughts.” Although the intent would not be pastoral care, elements of pastoral care would likely surface as this initiative parallels the current fragility of our world order. As the parish deacon, I will be the facilitator. In the next six to eight months or so, God willing, I will write an update sharing our evolving framework, process, and experiences.

I am grateful to Trinity Alumni for hosting this Zoom event in February. Thank you to the panel members, their facilitator, my spiritual director, and the priest of my parish for their gifts given.

Deacon Ann Vander Berg serves at St. James, Dundas.